This month I want to talk about forgiving yourself

This month I want to talk about the importance of forgiving yourself. Often I work with people who find it hard to forgive themselves for something they did or someone they hurt. It occurred to me recently that we are all guilty of doing things that hurt others. So, is there a way that we can learn to forgive ourselves in a way that allows us to be free from the guilt that we hold about such things? Yes, I believe there is.

This month I want to talk about eliminating self pity. One of the biggest problems that exists for people is not just that they feel bad but that they can justify feeling bad. Many of us search for excuses that make our bad feelings justified. In terms of eliminating self pity, there are a few things to keep in mind.

The 'Poor Me' Syndrome as I like to call it involves feeling sorry for yourself by telling yourself that you are so unlucky and unfortunate and destined for a horrible time. The sad thing is that regardless of your cicumstances there are always far more people that are worse off than you. Still, feeling like you are alone and the world is against you can sometimes become quite addictive.

Firstly, you will never know who you truely are because you are not qualified to make that judgement because you have been wrong before. The good news though is that nobody else is qualified to judge you either. You can however and they can however judge your intentions and actions. Your intentions refer to what you want to do and why you want to do it. Your actions refer to what you do and how you do it.

What can we learn from POPSTARS IRELAND? How the hell is it related to NLP? Is this just a publicity stunt aimed at getting more people to check out the website? There really are certain things about POPSTARS IRELAND that we can learn from. What I'd like to talk about briefly is the aspect of CHARACTER.

POPSTARS IRELAND gives us Psychological understandings in terms of how people act in pressure situations when their hopes and dreams are at stake. We see what people's values are and who is genuine and who isn't. We see who can put things into a good perspective and who feel it's the end of the world in they don't succeed. We see who is spoilt and who is hardworking. We find out who can take it and who can't, who is strong and who isn't, who is caring and who isn't.

Most importantly, we gained a valuable insight into our culture and the type of people we have here in our Island. I, for one, was dramatically impressed. We all know our friends and believe that we are special in some way. We have a bond and an understanding that others can't relate to, but we are all very similar. Then, every once in a while there is the cheerful ones, the polite ones, the nice and kind ones, the beautiful ones, the caring ones, the determined ones. And we sit back and love them. Why? Because they reveal a side of us that we want to be.

No doubt many young people have said over the last few weeks "I want to be a popstar" and most of them will never live the dream. If they said instead I want to have similar character traits as Sinead, or Kyle, or Emma, or Liam, or Andy, or Sarah because of their determination, because of their strength, because of their personalities, because of their caring nature, because of their sense of humor THEN maybe things would be better. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe each of these people are simply excellent performers and can fake it well on TV but I don't think so. I, for one, was impressed what I saw.

Before it sounds like I'm putting these people on pedestals, far from it, they are just like us, you and me, normal in every way. At least they were. Now the real test of character comes for them however. Now they get to face the toughest kind of pressures and stresses a person could come up against: the price of stardom and the moodiness of the entertainment industry. Will they cope, I think they will, most of them anyway. Why? I like them. Although I'm sure I won't be a fan of their music, I know them just like all of you know them. They have become our friends and we can learn a lot from them.

Every day I help people to get out of the ruts of their daily lives. Every day I help people to overcome the challenges they face. Every day I see people in pain searching for a way out. I always have found in helping people make the important change that it all comes down to a few key essentials: their attitude, their determination and their resolve. When they have these three elements sorted everything else will follow on.

Many people lost it at popstars. They lost it because of their state. In my experience as a psychologist I completely believe that many of these young talents wouldn't have lost it if they knew NLP. If they knew the secrets to getting into the right emotional and psychological state they could have performed it. The test of a strong character is this ability.

Some examples of this kind of character: someone who used NLP without even knowing it was Sinead. In the final few days, she contemplated her next day in the auditions: "I'm just gonna go in there and give it socks." There was no more fear. There was only determination. An example of a real professional shining through. Another brilliant example of someone with real character was Sarah. After hearing the initial news of how she wasn't going to be a part of the band, she dealt with it courageously. She sang a sweet rendition of one of her favorite tunes accompanied (in harmony) by her dog. Again, an example of having a brilliant attitude. Emma also showed the ability to switch into a peak state in a second while feeling unwell during the auditions.

NLP teaches us to control our states, to get into the right frame of mind at the times we most need to. It shows us how to develop a shining confidence in ourselves and how to powerfully change the way we feel in seconds. It is simply a case of using thought experiments and thinking in a new way, which makes huge changes to our quality of life.

You can't give talent to people but there are many out there exceptionally talented. It comes down to the 'look' of the band as well as the talent of the band as well as their teamwork. What separates the success stories and those who fail at the final hurdle in many cases is handling the pressure, not being able to be in the right state at the right time. This is true in many other areas of life also. Can NLP make a person a star? I'm not saying that but what I am saying is that knowing how to run your brain for a change and getting into the right state makes a massive difference to your life. When you can change your attitudes towards more positive and useful ways of seeing the world and you develop your character, it will reward you with more success. If you give it a go, you'll benefit in ways you can't even imagine.

We don't believe that there are many limits to what you can do. Many people have asked themselves What would happen if it was me? When you consider your hopes and dreams, many people don't really think that they can accomplish them successfully. Do you? If you do and you demonstrate certain character traits then I believe you will succeed. If you don't, ask yourself, what stops you and realize that there are many more possibilities out there for you than you realize. You must, however, demonstrate your strength of character if you want to be the best you can be.

As a famous motivational speaker, Jim Rohn, is famous for saying "If these people can achieve their hopes and dreams, WHY NOT YOU??"

 

Orson Welles once said 'We're born alone, we live alone and we die alone'. Although many will look at that statement as a pessimistic philosophy of life, I believe Orson was pretty much on the ball with what he said. This month I want to talk about this and the notion of co-dependence which has always been a big problem in the work we do with people. You see, I actually believe that when someone feels dependent on someone else, they have an opportunity to develop themselves wonderfully as they learn to depend on only them selves.

Co-Dependence occurs when a person becomes dependent on someone else in their life. The other person becomes their opportunity to be happy. When the other person is feeling good then so do they. When they are near the other person they get to feel ok. At other times, they can feel lost drifting hopelessly at the mercy of their circumstances. They are afraid of the unknown, to be alone and in their own company.

Co-Dependency often can lead to bullying and negative manipulation by the person being depended on. The key is that when you are co-dependent, you feel that you NEED the other person. In reality, you do not NEED anyone else. Instead, there are people you love having in your life and hate not having in your life. The idea that we need them means that we forget that if they weren't there we would be able to breath, eat, drink and survive in the world without them.

When we are babies we do NEED others around us to make sure we get food and drink. As adults we don't need others to survive. The feeling of neediness comes about because of a variety of different reasons. Sometimes it is from the mistaken idea that ending up alone would be a disaster when in reality it would give you an opportunity to get to know yourself as an individual... not as a part of another person.

Sometimes it is out of our own feelings of inadequacy that we require another person to substitute in and make us feel loved. As long as that person is with us it means we are lovable. Unfortunately, when we make this incorrect assumption, we fail to understand that the fact that a person is with us and is in love with us has nothing to do with how lovable we are.

You see, people can fall in love with ANYBODY. Someone fell in love with Hitler and Stalin etc... What this means is that someone falling in love with you does not make you a better person or mean that you are a better person. Instead all it means is that someone fell in love with you. What's vital to understand is that you must evaluate yourself according to how your best friends would describe you. Think about it. The people that you have close to you in your life think you are great and love you and yet don't think so because they have fallen in love. They think so because they know you and love you for who you are.

When I meet a person initially I either take to them or I don't. Sometimes I get it wrong but often they are either my 'kind of person' or not. That says nothing of their goodness or worth, it's just a preference. When I think about most of my friends I realise that despite how different they are, I love them all because of the person they are deep down. Behind any of the faults that I see and piss me off from time to time I feel like I see the soul of the person and the goodness that's inside them.

I have had people in my life treat me terribly but despite the anger, pain or resentment I felt, I can still manage to see the goodness inside of them. I have also met people who had done many bad things but changed things around and became a really good person and I could see that in them too. I know there are still people out there who are doing bad things and saying bad things and will have wronged me or others but I still believe that deep down they have a good spot. I have also met people who just shined beauty since I have known them. They are the people that from their surface to their soul they just personify love and goodness and kindness and beuaty.

My point is that what lies deep within every single person I believe is the capacity for goodness. That is what makes people lovable. When you do good things and help people and make as many people feel good in the day as possible that makes you better. When you treat yourself like the legend you really are (November 2004 IINLP Newsletter) that makes you better. When you spend time looking for how you can make more of a difference to the world that makes you better. By better I mean that you begin to really unleash the potential you have for good.

This is what I call 'CORE DEVELOPMENT'. Developing your core is the process of behaving internally (the way you talk to yourself and create feelings for yourself) and externally (in your every day actions) in good ways which make you feel proud of yourself. When you are being a mate to yourself and you are doing the right things in the world and helping the world be a better place it is easy to feel good about yourself. When you do this you develop yourself.

Doing this means that there is no real need to 'find yourself' because you accept you were never really lost. Instead, you are simply getting in touch with the potential for goodness in your soul and by inviting that potential to be used, you are developing yourself at the core. This core can then become the safe haven that you return to whenever you evaluate yourself. By treating yourself well and knowing you are doing good things, you'll learn that you don't need anyone at all because the only thing that remains the same throughout everything is your core potential for goodness.

The notion that we are alone does not have to be pessimistic. Instead it can remind you of your uniqueness and individuality. Nobody in the world is quite like you. Nobody in the world has your life. You are the only 'you' ever made. It's important to accept how special this makes you and let this inspire you to develop to your full potential.

You can never rely fully on other people even those who would die for you. You can only know for sure that when you dig deep and let yourself appreciate you true core, then nothing and nobody can take that away from you. Anything external you can learn. If you want to be more stylish you can learn. If you want to be better in relationships you can learn. If you want to be more charismatic you can learn. Regardless of the things which happen in your life, you can always know that you can survive and that you are a good person and that you can deep down always deal with anything.

So many years ago you were born. You met many people through this life. With all of them you survived before you met them and after they left your life. The same is true for anyone in your life right now. The wonderful thing is once you develop your core and release from the co-dependency you once felt, your relationships improve magnificently as does your opportunities to get into more relationships with people because you no longer need them... you just want them. Remember 'If you wanna get what you want, you need to let go of neediness'.

We are born alone, we do live alone and we do die alone... but Orson also said "Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone". This illusion is like the illusion of reality. We do not live in reality, we live through our own reality tunnels. So this illusion we live out every day. In between our birth and death, we meet some amazing and wonderful people, angels and soul mates. They are there to teach us and to share their love with us. Sometimes they stay and sometimes they go. When they go it can be awfully hard to deal with but the bottom line is that you can. The tragic beauty is that the more you care about someone, the more painful it can be when they are no longer with you. But the time that you knew them and they were with you, when you saw their goodness can always be remembered in your heart and mind. It's so important that while they were in your life that you enjoyed their presence and when they go you can move on in the knowledge that change is inevitable and although we are born, live and die alone we do so in a world full of wonderful people (and the odd bollox)!!

Now, when I say Legend, I mean it in the sense of being a fantastic person. I do not mean LEG END. Sometimes I know we all can feel like a Leg End. Whenever I do something ridiculous or mindless like I do quite often I can call myself a leg end, but these days I usually say it to myself nicely in a funny way :). You see, what's is lovely to know is that you don't have to take yourself seriously. Instead, you can laugh at yourself in a way that makes you feel good.

Now take the phrase 'laugh at yourself'. It suggests that there are two of you. One to do the laughing and one to be laughed at. Well here's the thing: the concept of two of you might be ridiculous and you might laugh at the thought of laughing at yourself, so that would make you laugh at you laughing at yourself and so on. So before we get too silly with all this reflexiveness, what is my point?

Let us use this notion of there being two of us. Of course sometimes we can feel like there are many different 'individuals' in us. People say 'I'm not quite myself' and 'Sometimes I feel like I do, Sometimes I feel like I don't' or 'Part of me wants this and part of me wants that'. So it is no wonder that so many people have found it difficult to 'find' themselves. It's like trying to find the one true fruit in a giant grocery shop. The truth is that there is none. There is only a way of thinking about who we are that is true for ourselves for a particular time in a particular way.

My point is that you can decide how you want to think about yourself and once you do, you will realise of how much of a legend you really are. You can look at your faults and accept them and look at your good points and feel great about them. If you don't like how you look you can dress as well as you can, get as fit as you can and do all you can with what you have got and just accept it. Feeling bad about it makes you ugly. By feeling great you actually make yourself become way more attractive than ever. When you make a mistake, note it and imagine yourself doing it properly the next time. Then laugh at having done the mistake. Find the humour that exists in imperfection. Realise the stupidity that arises in people taking themselves too seriously.

You can take all that rubbish that people have said about you in the past and realise that it was just opinions, mostly unfounded opinions. Often many of us can let what a person says or the way a person has treated us to determine how we feel and think about ourselves. Forget that. Everyone else has their own agendas. Let them say what they want but remember that anything negative that you feel about yourself was just an opinion that became a belief and the great news is that you can let it just go. Life is too short for taking on board all the baggage and issues. You can't control how other people treat you but you can control how you treat you. Most people complain or whine about how people treat them or have treated them in the past. Forget that. Do what you have to do to leave it in the past. Be aware of how you have treated yourself and if you have been bad then stop straightaway. Move on.

Be a nice, decent person by doing nice, decent things. Often we evaluate ourselves through looking at how we act. So, act well and you will be more likely to feel good. Smile at people more. Make them feel good for no reason. When meeting new people let your guard down enough to let them know who you are. Remember the only people who truly know you as a person are those closest to you and they adore you and love you which means that you must be adorable and loveable. Therefore you can correctly assume that if the stranger got to know you properly they would feel the same way. Be the kind of person you respect and like, the kind of person that can hold their head up high, the kind of person that can honestly feel proud of the choices they made. Forgive yourself for your flaws, moments of being a leg end and the times where you did the wrong thing. Be sincerley sorry to the people you have hurt in whatever way you did. Just commit to be the kind of person you can look up to and feel good about it..

A while ago, I had my entire perception of myself turned around and now when I think about who I am, I feel super. I really couldn't give a shite what most other people think. Where I come from, often if you admit to this, you can become known as arrogant but I don't believe that I am or even care. I just happen to treat myself like my best friend. I talk to myself in a nice way. I buy myself presents. I joke around and have a laugh with myself about the craziness of this world. I encourage myself when things don't work out and I remind myself of the success I've had in the past whenever I need a confidence boost.

I forgive myself for all the things I have messed up and I laugh at the cringe worthy things I have done. I give myself the brutal truth in a caring way. I smile at myself because of all the opportunities that I remind myself are ahead of me. I ask and give myself advice on how to solve my problems and I enjoy spending time with myself creating and manifesting ideas which make me feel like I am really living. When bad things happen I let myself get over it by being there for myself. I let other people be them selves, think what they think and live their own life while I live mine. I accept my imperfections and congratulate myself for the way I've handled some of the tough times.

So, I treat myself well. Let's face it. No matter how nice or good you are, you will always find people who aren't nice to you or who will hurt you. So it only makes sense that regardless of others, you make sure that you are decent to you. After all you spend every single day of your life with yourself and you may as well be nice. Let other's be and discover the wonderfulness of being yourself. It lets you really enjoy the best parts of life. It lets you deal with all the shit in life and come out smiling. Think about it. It makes a lot of sense. I describe NLP as helping people to communicate more effectively with themselves and then with others. That's what it's about. Treat your self well and you will be better with others. When you become your own best mate it not only makes you feel truly happy with who you are and better able to create more fulfilling relationships with others, it also makes you realise just how much of a legend you really are.

Having just returned on my trip around the world, I felt it appropriate to discuss something which became evident to me while away: Character. To me, our character is who we truly are. It’s not fluid and changing like our identity or self-concept, nor dependent on others like our reputation and image… instead it represents our values, our principles and our person.

Character is revealed and is built by the experiences we have. It is by the toughest experiences that we grow the most and that our character is really revealed and built. The way we respond in times of distress shows us our character and when we can learn to respond in the most effective ways we build our character in the way we need.

Events like death, illness and relationships breaking up can all have a huge impact upon us. We are affected tremendously by such events. In such cases often we have to feel what we feel and hope that time heals. But as time takes it’s time to heal, we can choose ourselves to do the right thing and behave differently than the way that we feel or let the way we feel determine our actions.

You see, in life, we can choose to let our feelings determine our behaviour or our behaviour determine our feelings. When we start from behaviour we gain control and it allows us work in the hardest conditions. Recently, I’ve met a person who has been going through some tough times in their life. They feel so many ranges of emotion… most of them bad. What my focus has been on is teaching them that these feelings are ok to feel and to know that that’s all they are: feelings.

When you think that you’re thoughts are your reality, you fail to realise that the way you feel affects your thoughts about a situation. When you get to the stage that you know they are just thoughts springing from a bad state, you get to decide to behave in a way that you know is USEFUL. It’s like the hardest thing in the world at the start of a relationship is NOT to express your deepest feelings as it FEELS right to do it. What you learn from the lessons of life is to focus on doing what’s USEFUL and not always what FEELS right. Then, you put yourself in a position that, even through the tough times you make the most of it.

Thus, by making your actions not determined by feelings, which may distort your thinking, you gain freedom to let your principles and values guide your behaviour.. not your emotions. When this is achieved, since your values and principles form a large part of your character… you will be strengthening that very character through using it when you need it most… when the going gets tough!!!