Smart Arses & Puns "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) Read more...

Scary Real World Humour In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Read more... Bad Jokes and One Liners A MAN is standing a bar when he hears a voice coming from the peanut bowl. "I really like your tie," it says. "You're smashing, you are. You're really lovely." Surprised, the man picks up his drink, and walks to his table. Passing the cigarette machine, he hears another voice. "You and your wife are ugly, fat and stupid," the voice says.The man is baffled and asks the barman what is going on. "I'm so sorry," says the barman. "The peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order." Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says `Do you know how to drive this?' What do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOM!! A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!" Pony says "May I please have a drink?" Barman says "What? You have to speak up!" Pony again says "Could I please have a drink?" Barman replies "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you." Pony replies "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse." Read more...