"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play,
bring a friend... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in reply
Some Puns
A Clear Conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
How do you know when you are getting old?
When you don't care where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go along.
Borrow Money from a Pessimist.
They never expect it back.
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