A MAN is standing a bar when he hears a voice coming from the peanut bowl. "I really like your tie," it says. "You're smashing, you are. You're really lovely." Surprised, the man picks up his drink, and walks to his table. Passing the cigarette machine, he hears another voice. "You and your wife are ugly, fat and stupid," the voice says.The man is baffled and asks the barman what is going on.
"I'm so sorry," says the barman. "The peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order."
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says `Do you know how to drive this?'
What do you call a monkey in a minefield? BABOOM!!
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!" Pony says "May I please have a drink?" Barman says "What? You have to speak up!" Pony again says "Could I please have a drink?" Barman replies "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you." Pony replies "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Why don't aliens eat clowns
Because they taste funny
A magician was driving down the road...
Then he turned into a drive way...
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
"Damn"
Why did Cinderalla get banned from playing Basketball?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
What do you call a camel without a hump?
Humprhey.
Why do Mice Hate Balls?
Because they can't dance
How do you make an egg smile?
Tell it a yolk
What did the hat say to the tie?
I'll go ahead, you hang around for a bit!
How do you murder a circus?
Go straight for the juggler.
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!"
"Okay, you're ugly too!"
My favourite scottish joke.
What is the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing Crosby sings but Walt Disney !!
A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The bartender looks at him shaking his head and says "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not. I'm a Fungi!"
A chicken and frog are in a library. The chicken points to a book and goes 'Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk Bwk'
The Frog replies. Ribbit. (Read it)
Did you hear about the circus fire?
They say it was intense. ( in tents.)
Did you hear about boomerangs?
Theyre coming back.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work?
He wanted to "transcend dental medication".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
EL-if-i-no
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
What does a buffalo say when her son leaves her?
Bi-Son.
Where do sheep get a haircut?
At the Ba Ba Shop.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with
After a hypnotic trance, the hypnotist brought his class out of a trance where they floated above their life and filled it with good feelings. Afterwards one of his students was amazed… he said: “WOW it feels like I’ve been here for years… and wow… how is everyone else doing? What did we do?”
The hypnotist replied “Yeah… Time lyin’… their ‘appy”
What do you do with a client who tells you their fear is running movies in their mind backwards?
Tell them to stop taking the piss. *
(* for foreign readers this expression means stop messing about)
The American President was in his office when the foreign secretary entered and told him 'Mr President, I have some bad news. Today, three Brazillion soldiers were killed in the middle east.' The president looked shocked and then burst into tears. He started crying and sobbing while everyone else in the oval ofice looked on. They had never seen anything like this. Finally the president, wiped his eyes, controlled his voice and asked the Foreign Secretary:
"Exactly, how much is a brazilian?"
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will?
It's a dead giveaway.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.He went there, lay on the couch, talked about his problems for an hour then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,
"Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
What was the first thing Saddam Hussein said after coming out of the bunker?
Did I beat David Blaine?!?
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know That *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm Finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The fecking funeral director," said his wife.
When Frogs into Princes did so well, why din't Richard and John bring out a sequel... Frogs into Princesses?
Because they weren't stupid. Any bloke knows that even suggesting a girl was a frog would result in that look, that tone of voice or something much much worse. It would have to be called: Princesses into Happier Princesses.
(Please note: Liverpool are a football team in England going through a bad patch and not doing very well in the football league.)
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.
Custody was yesterday granted to Liverpool football club as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.
Why did the man bring his photographs to the NLP Practitioner?
Because he heard they did REFRAMING.
A Bear walks into a bar and says 'CAN I HAVE A PINT OF.................................GUINESS PLEASE?'
The barman says 'SURE BUT WHY THE BIG PAWS'
Why is it a bad idea to travel in the Desert at the beginning of the month?
Because the 'first' is unbearable....
f(x) = 6x+3 walks into a bar. 'Got any sandwiches asks the bar man' f(x) = 6x+3
'Sorry' says the bar man 'We don't cater for functions'
Why can Santa Claus not afford to travel beneath the clouds on Christmas Eve?
Because Rain Dear
How many NLPers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just make the pictures brighter.
Why did the NLPer cross the road?
It's not important. what is important is how specifically did they cross the road?
What is a soundmans favourite presupposition of NLP?
There's no such thing as failure OR FEEDBACK!!!
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But it takes a long time, costs a lot of money and the lightbulb has to want to change.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why do you feel the need to ask that question. Does it make you scared not to know the answer?
How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why are you picking on me. I know this is about me. How the hell did you know I needed to change a lightbulb?
I heard an interesting definition of LECTURING recently:
It's the transfer of the lecturers notes to the students notes without it going through the brains of either.
What do you get when you cross a NLP principle with a priest?
A Priestupposition
What do you get when you cross an NLP Principle while walking under a ladder?
A Presuperstition
What do you call a Therapist with no marketing skills?
You don’t, they call you.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place -- you either married it or gave birth to it!
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet'. 'Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee'.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree'. 'Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree'
'Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?'
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...'
'Ees, a Ham Bush!'
What do call a French Man wearing Sandals?
Phileepe Flop
Did you hear about the Crab who went to the disco?
He pulled a muscle.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote Australian pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW 535i advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd,
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, " Sure, Why not. "
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Telstra mobile phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, " You have exactly 1586 sheep. "
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man,, " Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give back my animal?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, " Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant."says the shepherd
"Wow! That's correct,"says the yuppie."but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required."answered the shepherd. "" You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog.
Why Specifically was the NLPer so happy?
Because the NLPer MET A MODEL.
Why was the modality not picked for the team?
Because he was a sub-modality.
News just in... Americans have recently captured a man known as Sufad Jahgastee.
The man was found teaching in a school possessing compasses, rulers, chalk, a blackboard and a calculator....
He was arrested on a charge of possessing weapons of maths instruction
Why did NEO (from the Matrix.. popular film whose sequal is out... about a world being located inside of the programs of a computer: Neo played by Keanu Reeves) start using NLP to beat the baddies?
Because he MET A PROGRAM.
Saddam Hussein asked his son why he was so upset. His son replied...
Because some bush put a hole in my Bag Dad!!!
What religion do you call a hungry Irish vet with a foot fetish?
A CAT TOE LIC
Why does the Dali Lama like to go to Vegas?
Because he wants To-bet!!
What religion do you call an equal rights insect?
A PROTEST ANT
Why are many people who believe in Allah so thin?
BECAUSE THEY MUS-SLIM
What part of NLP did the snooker hall manager always say he used whenever people asked to play in his snooker hall?
I accessing Cues.
What pattern in NLP is most used by speed seducers?
In Bedded Commands.
After a hypnotic trance, the hypnotist brought his class out of a trance where they floated above their life and filled it with good feelings. Afterwards one of his students was amazed… he said: “WOW it feels like I’ve been here for years… and wow… how is everyone else doing? What did we do?”
The hypnotist replied “Yeah… Time lyin’… their ‘appy”
What do you do with a client who tells you their fear is running movies in their mind backwards?
Tell them to stop taking the piss.
What do you call a stupid person from the moon?
A Luna-thick
Why was the number 10 so scared?
Because 7-8-9
Courtesy of my friend Paula B:
A tiger walks into a bar. This lady at the bar is shouting abuse at the barman. The barman walks over to the tiger and asks what he wants to drink. “Pint of Guinness” the tiger replies. After a minute of so while the barman is getting his drink, the tiger goes over and eats the lady at the bar.
He goes back to his seat and asks the barman where is my drink. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve anyone whose on drugs in this bar”. “But I’m not on drugs the tiger protested.” “Oh yeah” the barman replies “Well what about that barbitchuate!!!”
David Beckham was at a press conference in Cork. From the muffled conversations, David replied to the question: “I think they are great because they keep your mouth fresh”. The entire audience went silent and from the back a voice shouted out “No, you stupid Muppet, Tactics”
An elephant and turtle An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river..
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago"
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes" said the elephant,"turtle recall"
Paddy the Irish man once went to a pub on a Saturday night and ordered three pints of Guinness. He drank them all and then ordered three more. He would do this each saturday. Finally the bar man asked what was that all about and why he would order them together
"Well" he explained. "One of my brothers is in England and one is in America so be decided to stay close we would all go down every Saturday and order three pints of guinness as a ritual."
After this went on for years, one Saturday night, Paddy only ordered two pints of guinness.
The barman looked over at him and with a sad expression said "Im very sorry for your troubles. Sorry to hear one of your brothers have died." "What makes you think that?" Paddy replied. "Well sure youve only ordered two pints""Oh, no, my brothers fine." he said
"Ive just given up drinking!!!"
A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.
Why was the NLPer so annoyed with himself when his boat floated away from the dock?
Because he forgot to set his anchor.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
I went to a football match between two groups of comedians the other day. The ref was a joke. He awarded a penalty that was clearly not a foul. Everyone thought he was having a laugh.
What did the mammy washing machine say to the baby washing machine who got all dirty clothes?
BOLD.
If you go from Dublin over to Galway, down to Cork or up to Belfast, which direction to you go to get to the sky?
What is a mathamaticians favourite desert?
Pie.
MUSIC TUTOR
A tutor who taught on the flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot;
Said the two to the tutor:
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
Anon
A man walks into a bar.
He says OUCH
A horse walks into a bar
Barman says 'Why the long face?'
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman says: Is this some kind of joke?
Two chickens are standing on one side of the road. One chicken says to the other chicken 'I'm gonna cross the road'.
The other chicken says 'Don't. You'll never hear the end of it.'
A bear walks into a bar.
The barman says 'Wait one second. Just bare with me.'
Why did the NLPer cross the road?
It doesn't matter. What matters is how they crossed the road.
Two flys are playing football in a saucer. What are they doing?
Practising for the cup.
Did you hear about the guy who had a case of reverse paranoia?
He kept thinking he was following everyone else.
Did you hear about the magnet that got a divorce?.
Yeah, apparently he claimed they were no longer attracted because they were both too negative.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize for being Outstanding in his Field?
What's the difference between North Korea and USA?
One of them is run by a dictator, is armed with a Nuclear arsenal and uses excessive propoganda to manipulate it's population. The other is located between Japan and China.
Did you hear about the deoderant looking for the Irish policeman to confirm his suspicions on the murder?
He wasn't SURE about the LYNX he made and he wanted to find the RIGHT GUARD to talk to?
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