Loneliness is the topic of this months article.
Loneliness is one of the worst experiences a person can possibly have. We grow up on this earth and make connections with people and therefore we become attached to others. This causes us to develop a need for others company and when we do not it can become debilitating. Now many monks spend many years in retreat away from people and isolation is seen as one effective way of accessing a divine state but to most people in the world being alone is their worst fear. Indeed it is often used as a form of torture. Let's explore what all this means and what we can do about it.
Isolation is not the only way to become Lonely of course. Loneliness can be something that anyone can feel. even those in relationship with a spouse and children can feel lonely. It is a state where they feel like nobody understands them, nobody knows them, nobody values them. Maybe they're taken for granted but nobody really gets them the way they want to be gotten.
That's why falling in love with someone can be so liberating. Finally you find someone else that knows you and loves you for who you are and you for who they are. You are no longer alone. You have someone to sit with and talk with and hold and go out with. Most importantly, they understand you truly, fully, deeply. They know what your thoughts are most likely to be. They know how you react to different things. They know what kind of person you are deep down.
If you break up, their feelings change and they no longer know you truely because they are different as they feel different.
So love can provide us with a solution to loneliness. But that isn't the only solution. Indeed, we can throw ourselves into our work so far that we don't have time to accept the fact that we have noone to connect with. We can travel regularly and continue to escape from the truth of aloneness. We can avoid and avoid everything that reminds us that we are isolated in the world. But none of those will provide us with a solution which comes with freedom.
Although I am not a buddhist I like the idea of their theory of disattachment. Let go of your attatchment to others and you will be free from suffering. The thing is though I love being attached to others and it is an addiction I am quite happy with. The love I have for other people is strong and intense and that means that heartbreak of some form is more than likely inevitable.
So for me disattachment won't do. But the idea is still a good one. And it works for many monks.
To me, one of the reasons why it works is not just the notion of disattachment. It is because of the fact that I believe they use what I feel is the most important solution to loneliness. The Dalai Lama teaches as one of his most important teachings the importance of compassion. Caring for others. Often we relate to others and we feel the need for care from them. This idea is about how instead of that we focus more on being caring to others. I say being caring to instead of caring for because when we simply care for... there can only be inevitable loss. When we are caring to others we establish a wonderful connection between us and them and we make the world richer. A good example of this is in the story sent in by Elham. The old man is caring for his wife but also is being caring to her despite the horrific truth of the disease.
Deep down, the secret is that we need to be this caring towards ourselves first. This means talking nicely to ourselves, being kind and wonderful and appreciating that we are never truely alone. We always have ourselves. We have the capacity to be wonderful so we can be wonderful to ourselves. We talk to ourselves... therefore we can be kind and caring and compassionate with ourselves as well.
Once you do that you will find yourself appreciating the solitude much more. Also when you are focused on being more caring to others you will be focusing less on your own feelings of neediness and because you are nicer to yourself you will need less people to validate your worth.
Loneliness is dealt with in two ways... by being ok with being alone and reaching out to more people. If you can stop focusing on self pity and frustration and allow yourself to put yourself out in the world you will discover something inevitable... some people will like you and some won't... so what.... the key is to spend quality time with those who you click with and let yourself experience true connection. And maybe your love will come along as well. And if you already are in relationships, focus on the inward stuff... how you treat yourself and find others who you can make different kind of valuable connections with.
Lastly, it's also important for you to appreciate those in your life that you do have... from one or both parents, children, partner, the friends you see regularly and the friends you haven't seen in ages but are always there for you. I am blessed with the best family and friends. I am even more blessed that I get to appreciate it every single day, wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, whoever I'm with. Lonelieness only exists when we treat it as real. The solution is there.
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