This month I want to talk about the notion of getting closure. In many areas of life, we have relationships that come to an end for a variety of reasons. Sometimes two people grow apart, sometimes one dies, sometimes they have a big fight and sometimes they simply make the decision to end it. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. The same can be true of family relationships and friendships and even business relationships. When this happens, for one or both people involved in can be challenging to get closure on this. That's why this month I want to examine the notion of getting closure and how it might be possible for you to do it on YOUR terms.
When people end a relationship often it leaves many unanswered questions. Their death might prevent them from answering how they were thinking or how they truely felt. Even when alive, often the same kind of questions are left unanswered due to the nature of the break up or way the relationship ends. Often there are misunderstandings, confusions, misinterpretations, miscommunication etc... which lead both parties to have very different understandings on what went wrong.
Take friendships for example. Most friendships are built upon shared values. Both friends become friends because of similiarities, because of shared views, because they value the kind of qualities the other seems to have. Usually the friendship breaks up because the friends either found less and less time for eachother in their lives or one or both friends did something which was or at least was perceived as going against their values. Rarely if ever do both friends actually sit down and chat about what happened and make it absolutely clear as to why they no longer want to be friends.
In relationship something similiar happens except that in relationships, often the reason to end it is a lot less logical. Many relationships end not because of a challenging with regards to values but instead down to a change in feeling. I remember when I went through a difficult time after an end of a relationship, a good friend of mine explained to me that sometimes there were no answers no matter how much I wanted them. All the questions I had in my mind I had to let go of because I would never find out what the answers were. It is very difficult and, in fact, completely pointless to try and ask the other person to explain themselves because no matter what they say you will never be satisfied with their answer because their answer will hurt... regardless. No relationship or friendship I was ever in that ended, ended on terms I was completely satisfied with. I wasn't finished with that relationship or friendship and didn't understand why I needed to be.
Often that's what we feel like. Now luckily I got to a stage a few years ago when I learned how to come to terms with the relationship side of things. I learned how to get my own closure on things because I began to truely understand what it was all about. The closure I searched for did not come from another person, it came from myself. I had to go deep inside and accept the fact that it was over and the reason that it was over was because the other person didn't feel the same way about me. No matter how many times I had told myself it was perfect etc... the bottom line was people change, feelings change and you can't control the way someone else feels. Furthermore, I had to completely erase from my mind any iota of hope for the future as any hope I had for the future was just imprisoning me in the present moment and preventing me from making any real progress on that front. Lastly, I had to avoid the addictive quality of nostalgitis (I made that word up) in which I'd fondly remember the times we had together. I had to remember all the times I had with them... I also had myself... and I began to truely appreciate how lucky I was to spend time with myself.
I suppose, then, the real trick towards getting closure in relationships at least comes down to fully accepting that it is over. Cutting off any thoughts of the future or the past times with them. Remembering that you had good times... but not BECAUSE of them... WITH them... BECAUSE of you. Accepting that there are plenty of potential reasons as to why... but none of them really matter most of the time. What does matter is how you let this experience build you or shape you as a person. What does matter is who you become as a result of this. What does matter is that you let this experience give you to opportunity to really fall in love with yourself again.
We go through every single event in our lives with one other person... ourselves. We are always there for ourselves when we choose to be and we need to take comfort and strength from that fact. When you start to appreciate your value as a friend to yourself you will realise that you will never be completely alone when you are on your own. You will always be there for yourself. This might sound strange but when you truely feel it you know deep down that no matter how much you want to be with someone in your life you never need anyone to make you happy. You can be truely independent, truely happy, truely free.
Now when it comes to family members or friends things are a little bit different. With family members, sometimes what has happened is far too extreme in nature to warrent forgiveness and therefore any closure you get should be done yourself by coming to terms with what has happened and letting go of it by accepting that sometimes messed up things happen and sometimes people do bad things and that is their own 'stuff'' and thats where it must be left... with them. Then you can move on in the ways mentioned earlier and never need that final conversation.
In the event that what happened was a fight with important family members or friends, it is vitally important that you figure out how important that relationship is to you. Far too often people let stubbornness be the problem. They fall out with people closest to them over something small. It is crucial that you never allow that to happen. When a relationship like this is important... either an important family member or a very close friend, it is then vital that you do your best to figure out the real reason why the friendship or family relationship has ended or is on the brink. Unlike romantic relationships, logic and miscommunication is usually the culprit here and it's vital that you seek out the true culprit so if you can both figure out if its really worth ending things. Your family and your closest friends are very important people in your life and any end with them should be something that you don't have too easily. Closure should happen with them in the best way possible... mutually. If not again the same idea as before applies but it is crucial that you don't allow stubborness on your side from ending things.
Lastly, we have the sad horrible case of death ending a life. I love the quote by the teacher Morrie in Mitch Alboms 'Tuesdays with Morrie'. In it Morrie says 'Death ends a life, not a relationship.' To me, that is the secret of gaining closure with someone who has died. It is never about getting closure. It is about getting an understanding as to how to get through the grief and even holding on to the thought that they are still out there somewhere listening to you in a different form. For me, anyone who has ever died in my life, I always believe that I can speak to them and so I do... regularly and tell them the things I always want to tell them that I never got a chance to and explained myself for the things I never got a chance to. That way I feel like nothing is unfinished and yet nothing is finished... in a good way.
I suppose the real lesson in all of that is to make the moments you do have with your loved ones, moments where you can truely tell them how you feel... maybe once out of the blue... maybe even with a drink or two if you find it too awkward sober... but tell them (preferably sober) because you never know what the future brings and you've got to make every single moment count.
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