This month, I want to talk about dealing with bullies. By bullies I am referring to both work and school bullies and i am referring to the different types of social, psychical and emotional bullying.

By Social bullying, I am referring to the kind of bullying that happens when someone is excluded from a group. They are left out of everything, picked last and treated differently to everyone else. By physical bullying, I am referring to when someone is physically harmed or threatened. By emotional bullying, I am referring to when someone is subjected to verbal abuse both direct and indirect and is intimidated and made look or feel bad in front of others.

Social bullying is undoubtedly the most subtle of the forms of bullying but nonetheless it can be quite disheartening and hurtful for a person. Because of their race, size, looks, personality, weakness, intelligence, difference to others or perceived difference to others, they are shunned by their peers. As connection with others is one of our primary needs as human beings, the effect of this is devastating. In an ideal world, it would not happen. If most of the people knew how badly they were making someone else feel, it would more than likely not happen. Most of social bullying actually happens because of social proof... the need that others have to do what everyone else is doing. the cool people start to ignore someone and then it becomes cool to ignore them and bad to talk to them. This is not just a school yard phenomenon. Often in Universities and Companies there are certain clicks and if you are not in them then you are an outsider. 

Physical bullying is the most obvious form of bullying. In school this comes in the form of hitting, grabbing someone by the throat, pulling their hair, kicking them and wrestling them to the ground and many other creative ways that bullies can show how tough they are. In a work setting it comes from bosses shouting at their staff members with anger and fury, intimidating those around them into being intimidated and fearful of them. It also comes from the sexual harassment that is evident in the corporate culture today. Physical bullying usually happens because bullies feel inadequate in some area and try and compensate for this by getting control over others through the only way they can… physical means.

Emotional bullying is the most damaging form of bullying. It can include physical and social bullying as well as a host of other methods which intimidate others and make them feel bad. In School an example is mocking other children and making a fool out of them in front of their peers. In work it is anything from demeaning a colleague or subordinate to making sly remarks at them as well as making nasty comments designed to make fun of them over and over again. It can also include when a boss, colleague or even customer shouts at you in person or even via email (IN CAPITALS). Emotional bullying usually happens because bullies feel insecure and so try and direct attention to anyone else but themselves. They feel bad about themselves so they try and demean you so they feel better than you. They try and intimidate you so they can control you and they can feel like a superior person.

So, enough on the types and theories… how do we deal with these types of bullying. Well there are two main areas leaving aside the legal side and contacting of the authorities should you choose to deem this necessary. The first concerns how you deal with them. The second concerns how you deal with your own state/feelings.

You deal with them psychologically by thinking about what is the most useful thing to do and what is the best way to respond to them. Firstly, social bullying can be best dealt with by making sure that you are comfortable in your own skin with your own company. You must demonstrate that you aren`t bothered with being by yourself and at the same time be friendly to the others without neediness. The more you demonstrate that you don`t need others but can be fun to be around, most of them will want to be around you. Offer to join the groups, introduce yourself first but don`t try too hard to fit in. Look comfortably like you don`t need to fit in.

Physical bullying can be best dealt with by learning to defend yourself. Martial Arts, Boxing and Self Defence are all skills which will help you look after yourself. Also if you can simply demonstrate that you can look after yourself that`s often a way to make the bullies think twice before trying anything. Regarding physical bullying at work, the best way to deal with that is by drawing attention to it. Explain things out loud. Describe the behaviour and how it makes you feel. Don`t accuse them of bullying you. Simply suggest that the particular behaviour… (mention it) makes you feel intimidated. This bringing things out into the open will make them more consciously aware of their physical bullying and make them less likely to do it.

Emotional bullying can be best dealt with by laughing it off with a tired yet polite laugh and the occasional response back. Look like none of it gets to you and laugh some of it off, yawn at some of it and respond occasionally when you have a good retort. You can improve your retorts by watching stand up comedians more often.

Regarding all three, the second thing is to be aware of how you respond to it all emotionally. The key is to realize where bullying comes from is almost always inadequacy and insecurity. When you know this you can feel sorry for the bullies and when they attack you see the desperation behind their words or actions. It`s important that you realize that they only win if they can get to you and if they can`t you will always win every time they try.