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Ok, so I gave into the typical, media induced hysteria of Valentines day and specialised the february newsletter to be about love. Come on though, give me a break. You never know. It might help you anyway. Initially the following article will seem tailored towards the single reader but be patient.
So, Love. It's the most desired value of the majority of the world. We all want love, whether it is love from our family, our friends or romantic love. Click flick movies, weepee paperback literature and a one day marketing extravaganza every february reminds us of just how important love is. This whole notion of valentines cards is just what gives you another reason to feel valued or not valued. "How many cards did you get?" People ask. Those of us single on the day reply in our usual attempt at hilarious wittiness: "Well it's really awful because I wasn't able to get out of the house this morning because of all the cards piled up inside and outside our door." And if you are without a card, you often can't help wondering why. You look around again and see all the happy couples doing everything together including most of your friends who are married or living together.
If you are in a relationship, the day becomes either a pain in the rear or a wonderful experience. Some play it cool and argue for the unnecessary debacle of valentines day to simmer down. Others live for the day and love it as a day where you get to express your love and have it expressed to you. It becomes a love disinhibtor, giving each partner an excuse to be romantic again... without needing drink. For those in new relationships, the day often symbolises a perfect day with your ideal mate. For those in long term relationships, it exists as a well needed excuse to spend more time with each other and attempt to recall the romance of times past.
Regardless, the day has it's good points and bad points but what I'm more interested in is beginning to look at love and relationships differently as a result of looking at this day differently. You see, we are born into this life and many of us find someone special with whom we want to spend our time together. That person becomes our ideal. Sometimes we lose them and sometimes we stay with them forever. Eventually, whatever happens happens and we move on or stick with them.
In this culture, days like Valentines can often create in people a relationship 'need'. It's like we fall in love with the idea of falling in love. Therefore we meet someone and they become for us our 'ideal' or our 'soulmate'. Some settle happily for a relationship, others hold out for a relationship with someone they fall madly for and some get it, some don't!!! All in all, there is suffering that goes with relationships. Attachement causes suffering. When you are attached to something you will have to suffer when it eventually ends or there are problems in it and invariably it always will and there always will be.
So what's the secret? What's the best way to look at relationships with others? What's the best way to think about love? Well I can only give you my own ideas based on my own experience and, of course, philosophy heavily influenced by NLP. To me the idea to be without attachement of any kind is impractical... most importantly because then we become attached to being detached. The best thing to do is to realise that there will be wonderful times and times of suffering in all relationships and existence of love but that the wonderfulness is invariably always more powerful.
You see, when you fall in love with someone, you can often lose your sense of rationality. A combination of factors serves to throw you into a quagmire of desperation, neediness and pining. This only puts you into a worse situation whereby you present your worst self to the other person. This paradox goes with my phrase... If you want to get who you want... you need to let go of neediness!!! So, the art of falling in love and somehow, you and the other person failing to show these negative qualities to each other while continuing to discover more of each other and connecting closer together is a complex task and yet it seems to happen so often.
Loneliness is rampant in todays society and it is often something people ask is "Why me? What's wrong with me?". The bottom line is though that tha answer is simply "Because that's just the way it is.". Everyone could find someone to go out with if they just could get over their fear of rejection and go out and meet many people and ask them out. You'd definitely find someone to go out with but you mightn't necessarily like them or get on with them. The whole point of holding out is to achieve this wonderful aliveness of meeting the 'right person'. The good news is that there is no one 'right person'. There are a few that would suit you perfectly.
I like the idea of cupid because I think it makes more sense somehow than the 'soulmate' idea. Jack and Rose on the Titanic, Romio and Juliet, Posh and Becks. These couples seem to suggest that a persons soul mate does exist. But realistcally, the idea that there are a variety of people that you meet in your life and any of them you could fall for if cupid shoots it's arrow. They are all potential soul mates because they could potentially fit you and your spirit and your soul.
A soul mate can be a friend with no romantic interest as well. It is to me someone who you connect with on such a deep level you feel like you can touch their soul and know their real selves. So, if you are in a relationship, hopefully you are with the person that is one of your soul mates. Then valentines day is not a time for spending lots of money because you are obliged to but focusing on how to make this an opportunity to recognise just how lucky you are to be so close with someone who you met randomly and connected with wonderfully. It is a day that must remind us to remember the aliveness and joy that is part of falling in love and being in love.
And if you are single, fear not. Valentines day need not be torture any more. Send a card to someone you know annoymously if you fear they won't get any other cards. Do what you can to make other people feel loved. And most importantly, take this day to fall back in love with yourself. When you think about a day of love, you must use it to express your gratitude and love for the most important person in your life... YOU!!!
This doesn't mean send yourself a million cards or get yourself flowers. It means more importantly stopping to recognise of who you are, of how you are improving and of how much love you have to give. It means being aware of the mistakes you've made in relationships and promising never to do them again and focusing on all the wonderful qualities you could bring to a relationship and all the wonderful reasons why someone would be exceptionally lucky to be with you. I promise you there are lots of them.
I have always been a hopeless romantic. Now I feel I have become a hopeful romantic. It's not about being perfect in relationships, flirting or the like. It's about stopping and being aware of your brilliance and potential brilliance. It's about working on yourself to make you more of who you really are at your best. It's about using NLP to make yourself feel as amazing as possible as often as possible. Like attracts like.. it's a law of the universe. So feel wonderful and you will attract wonderful people to you.
We all do ridiculous things in love. They are called cringe moments. But forgive yourself. Just put them down to you being crazy and that you no longer are and don't think about them. You are human and as long as you learn from your mistakes and control your feelings more powerfully, in the future, you'll know what to do.
Relationships need effort to be made in them. Whatever state your relationship is in, let valentines day be the spur that propels you to make your relationship better than ever. Focus on working together with your partner to regulary enhance the quality of your time together. Be tolerant of each others flaws. Forgive each others little mistakes. Share your feelings in many different ways. Show them, tell them, and let them feel that you love them. You go through this world and face many of your struggles on your own. But having a partner with you, a soul mate with you is so invaluable and if you are lucky enough to have found them then let yourself appreciate that and feel grateful for that not every 14th of february... but every single day.
Love is not a measure of a persons worth. It is an experience that exists in the world... probably the most powerful experience. To make it happen for you, to find the right person as a singleton, the key is to begin by loving yourself. Become the kind of person that you would be pleased to introduced to any potential partner. And then be out there and meet people. Then, when you least expect it, from an old flame, a new work associate, a friend of a friend, a complete stranger, or from someone right in front of you you'll find someone that you feel a connection with. You'll find yourself feeling really great when you are with them, you'll spend hours talking with them without getting bored, you'll feel like they understand you more than anyone, you'll look forward to time together, you'll feel like you know them and can touch their soul. Then you'll meet one of your soul mates and hopefully the your fairytale will finish with the words 'happily ever after' and if it doesn't then start again until you write it yourself.
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