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There is this belief that exists that says that we have a soul mate out there in the world. We feel complete in their presence and are head over heels in love with them and them with us. This notion has been around since the beginning of time when according to some legends we were born as a couple and Zeus apparently tore us apart. Thus we spend our lives searching for our 'other half'. We bond and connect with our partners and we make commitments for life to them. Some of us are lucky enough to have found the 'perfect person' and spend our lives living happily in a blissful relationship where we adore our partners and they adore us. But then there are some of us that have not found that perfect soul mate.
There are those of us who have never experienced this kind of blinding love and are alone and those of us who have never experienced it in a relationship that we've been in. There are those of us that instead have thought we have met them and felt all those feelings and felt complete when they were around but somehow it wasn't meant to be. There are also those of us who have found different people who seemed to fit the bill but each time things failed to work out!!! Then there is the difference in our preferences. There are particular men and women we prefer. We have our own tastes and those we seek to attract have their own tastes. There is not one way to attract another. It is because different things attract different people it's almost impossible to have a simple strategy for attracting anyone.
So with all these different experiences, how can we possibly understand the nature of love, attraction and connection? How can we do this in a way that satisifies those of us in happy relationships, unhappy relationships and those of us not presently in a relationship. Well in this months article I wanted to explore the complex world of love and explain a model which can be usefully used to understand these different experiences.
First of all what we know is that love is chemical. The chemistry of our brains and bodies is fundamentally different in those people who are in love than in those not in love. In the initial phases of love... that blinding love phase, the chemistry of our brain more accurately reflects the brain chemistry of a drug addict or obsessive compulsive. The chemicals of adrenaline and serotonin are affected by the release of love chemicals oxytocin and phenythylamine.
Through our imagination after some form of contact with the other person, we begin a process known as 'falling in love'. As we go through this process, we feel an excessive amount of desire to be with the person, look in the persons eyes, touch the person. It's different to lust as it is not purely sexual, it is more of a connective feeling. This continues on as long as we have some form of hope (and sometimes not) of reciprocation. If reciprocation is provided then a relationship begins and the obsessive compulsive feelings domninate our thoughts. We find it hard to stop thinking about the other person and one of our 'good feeling chemicals' serotonin is withheld until the next time we are with them. Thus we develop an addiction to being with the other person.
These immensely powerful feelings overcome us in an emotional storm in our brain to the point that reason and logic are no longer adhered to cleverly. Often feelings become so strong that we feel a need to express them. These expressions have been demonstrated since the beginning of time in the form of love letters, poems, valentines cards and songs. Every expression also, by it's very nature, asks for a response. When these feelings are expressed they are done so in the hope that the other person will express them in return.
The unfortunate part is that often the expression of these feelings are not always reciprocated. When the expression of intense feelings is given it does not always help matters, especially if it is in the first few days or weeks of a relationship. If neediness is apparent, one person can be repulsed by the other persons apparent obsessiveness. It is in the rare case that both parties have fallen equally in love at the initial stage that this works out. Often people learn to control their impulses and although falling in love more and more by the day, they learn to hold back these true feelings and 'play the game'. This is perhaps the most useful approach until such time that the initial 'madness' is under control and they simply feel a deep love for the other person. At that point they can express their feelings without as much constraint.
After the initial 'madness' however, it is possible for one person to fall out of love with the other person. This requires them to change their perceptions unconsciously by learning to see the other person in a different way. When people fall in love, they do not see the person as the person is but rather they see the person in a distorted way where the persons good points are highlighted. When they fall out of love the opposite happens and they see the worst in the person. Love only thrives when the person can fall in love and eventually see the person without that blind love but simply as the person they are and adore them for it.
So that elusive soul mate that some people find necessarily may not be 'the one' as they think but 'a one' who they are meant to love and spend a wonderful amount of time with. Far too often people regret their relationships in the past in a vain attempt to prove that their present relationship is the 'real one'. But realistically since it all comes back to chemistry there is no right and correct relationship for everyone. There is only a 'special relationship' for a time. There is only a 'special person' for a time. If you are with your soul mate then they are your soul mate and maybe your meant to be with them forever but maybe they are not the only one. Maybe there are others that you would have worked it out with too.
No doubt there are some people who have never even experienced the blinding love or endless love that romantic movies recreate and valentines day celebrates but if they are happy to be in their relationships which are purely based on security, convenience and a form of attraction then there is nothing wrong with that. Others get to know there partner and gradually fall in love with them while going out. They have never experienced the thunderbolt and obsession of love. The question is whether anyone limits themselves by falling in and out of love too often or whether they miss out because they don't allow themselves to fall head over heals in love.
The secret to creating a healthy relationship with someone else in ensuring that both people are happy and secure within themselves and do not become dependent on the other persons validation. The secret to a long lasting connection and relationship comes in a number of factors. Not all of the factors are essential for everyone but they are important in general to most people. Firstly, it's important to have fallen in love with each other. Next, it's important for both parties to see the other person as a potential future partner. Thirdly it's important to have plenty of opportunities to spend time with the person. Fourthly, it's important to be attracted to each other. Finally it's important to truly connect with each other.
Let's just talk about connection and attraction as I believe that these two make up quite a part of love. Attraction is an obvious part of love. When you are attracted to someone, you want to be near them and spend time with them and physically connect with them. There are three kinds of attraction. We can be attracted to lots of people everywhere if they are attractive, good looking, sexy, nice body, fit etc...
The second kind of attraction comes from being attracted to the strength of the other person. If they appear not to need us and if they appear self sufficient then they appear much more attractive to us. The more they seem not to need us, the more we desire them. This is triggered often when we are given some indication that they might be interested. That's why often the phrase 'nice guys come last' can be heard while the girls end up with the 'bastard' from the phrase 'all men are bastards'. But it's not that the nice guys come last or that the guys that do well are necessarily bad boys or bastards. Simply what happens is that the nice guys don't trigger attraction because they act too needee and overly eager while the 'bastard' simply plays the game.
The third kind of attraction is an attraction that is more unique to us. There is 'something about them' that we can't quite put our finger on. It's something in their smile, their expressions, the words they use, something in their eyes. This third kind of attraction links into the notion of connection. Connection refers to when we meet someone that we find easy to talk to and that we seem to feel like we have known them forever. For whatever reason, the time we spend with them we thoroughly enjoy and synchronicities pop up all over the place. We can talk to them for hours and hours and never get bored. We love their energy. We can simply be in their presence and be happy.
On this valentines day, consider the different people who you love in your life. Decide to let them know in whatever way you can that you love them without necessarily saying it. It should be an excuse to celebrate all forms of love. As for those in relationships, let it be a perfect opportunity for you to remember why you are with this person and to recreate any feelings of blinding love you might have felt for them. Let yourself rekindle a wonderful feeling of attraction and enjoy the connection that exists between you.
If you are single, enjoy the idea of knowing that maybe somewhere out there are many 'ones' and you just need to get out there and meet lots more people. Focus on loving yourself on valentines day and the other people in your life. We only get so many seconds on this planet, it's so crucial that we make them count. Spending such seconds with people in your life that you love is a truely wonderful way to spend them. Also feel glad in remembering fondly those that have come in and out of your life and recognise that the seconds with them were valuable too.
Sometimes I get to meet people that I connect with so well that I have a brilliant time in their presence. It is then when I really appreciate how wonderful it is to have great friends. As Life continues to change every day, the one thing we can take from it is the impact that other people have on us and the impact that we have on others. Every person you have ever met you have affected them in some way and they have affected you in some way. Some people that you've spent time with have had an unforgettable affect on you and you on them. Knowing this, I began to consider a perspective on the purpose of life.
Imagine when you were born an angel or God or Deetee said to you
" You are about the enter the next stage of existence. This is called planet earth. Here you will be born, you will grow up and you will contribute in some way to the planet and then you will die. Along with the way you must collect up only two things. One is the lessons you will learn which you can take with you when you are gone. The other is the love and connections you will experience which you can take with you into your soul when you are gone."
If that was the point of life, ask yourself the question 'How can I learn more and most importantly love and connect more?'. True there are people which are not your cups of tea and the odd bollox who will annoy the shite out of you but then there are those who you'll be more attracted to, those you'll connect with and those you'll love. If that is the point of life what would you do? When you take that action you will be surprised at just how good everything can get. Who knows maybe even you'll find 'a one'
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