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I have recently had a number of clients whose biggest problem consisted of how they felt other people looked at them and how they thought other people thought of them. Since the beginning of civilisation our reputation in the eyes of others has been important. The problem is that so often we cause ourselves trouble because we care so much about what other people think that we become self conscious, nervous, paniced and we back away from doing things which would improve our life.
So, when it comes down to it, how do most of us want other people to see us? Well I'd say this is pretty simple. We want other people to see us as SMART, ATTRACTIVE, COOL, SUCCESSFUL AND SKILLED. So, we develop a fear of failure because we worry that if we fail in front of others they might question our skill and our intelligence. We develop a fear of rejection in case we find out that somebody thinks that we are unattractive. We develop a fear of embarrasment in case we find out that somebody is laughing at us and thinks we look stupid and uncool. We hide ourselves and try and exaggerate our incomes and possessions in case somebody sees us as not very successful. Then to cap it all off we might even compare ourselves to others inside our head that we perceive as being better than us... all in a desire to make us feel bad.
What is the solution? How do we overcome these problems? How can we still come across well to other people or get rid of the need to do so without these problems? Let's discover how by looking at each one of these elements.
SMART
Many people think that they are smarter than everyone else. Many others think that they are stupid. Here's the truth: You aren't stupid or smart... you do stupid or smart things. It's stupid to think you are smarter than everyone else or stupider than everyone else because it doesn't help you do anything better. It's smart to think of yourself as a smart person who can learn and teach other smart people. People will come up with their own perceptions of how smart you are. You can't really affect it that much. One good way is to be more quiet around people and nod as if you understand when other people speak. People often read intelligence into silence. Most people who would think you were stupid are stupid for thinking that anyway. The smart ones are the ones who realise that you are smart.
ATTRACTIVE
The bottom line here is that you are attractive to some people and not to others. So, the key is for you to begin to realise that you need to do what you can to make yourself as attractive as is possible for you. Look after your body and be good to yourself. Then people will form their own judgements. You just have to be yourself and some will like it, some won't. It's a numbers game. By looking after yourself and learning about attraction you can assist the process.
COOL
What some people think cool is having other people looking up to them and always with them. Actually when you think about it, people who need other people to be around them all the time are actually steeped in insecurity. Take going somewhere on your own. If you need others to be with you for you to feel ok, then it reveals a lot of insecurity about yourself. If instead you just go on your own when you want to go... it demonstrates an obvious confidence in yourself and makes you extremely cool. It is very appealing to most people to see someone who doesn't seem to need company. That is as long as you smile and look approachable too.
SUCCESSFUL
Was Mother Theresa successful? Was Ghandi? Most people would say they were because they made an impact on the world. Whatever the impact you have on the world, when you make it you are successful. Other people might evaluate success in terms of money but how many financially secure people do you know that are very happy and have a great life? Probably if you are like me you'll say about the same amount of people you know that aren't financially secure that are happy and have a great night. So, really, are you going to care that much about what other people think regarding your job, career or financial situation. Financial racism is as ludicrous as every other kind.
SKILLED
If you make a mistake you make a mistake. You won't always get everything right and perfect every time. You will make mistakes. The key is to remember that everyone else is the same. When people evaluate how skilful you are, they will also be studying your attitude to the mistake. If you have the attitude that looks as if you know what you are doing then it doesn't matter when you make the mistake, they can see past it. However if every mistake you let become a big deal and you continuously try and defend yourself, then it will look like you don 't know what you are doing. Besides doing anything well is not about doing it perfectly. Again the funny thing is that the less you try NOT to make mistakes the less mistakes you will make.
So, overall, what you have got to realise is that people will form their perceptions of you based upon their experiences of you, beliefs, prejudices, rumours and their impression of you. You can't fully control it so you need to put it out of your head. Instead, it's essential to focus on thinking in useful ways which will make you smart, looking after yourself and being confident in yourself which makes you attractive, being comfortable on your own which makes you cool, doing waht you do for a purpose and not giving up which makes you successful and practising what you do and being ok with mistakes which makes you skilled.
Caring what other people think is a form of neediness. Neediness is one of the stupidist, most unattractive and uncool character traits. So, go out today and start being ok with failing, being rejected and being in embarassing situations. The more you are comfortable with these three things the more you will discover the freedom that comes with deciding 'WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?
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