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As a therapist, I have worked with all sorts of people from all sorts of backgrounds with all sorts of problems. I have also met quite a range of people from the very ‘mad’ to the most ‘normal’ people on the planet. Personally, I feel just as comfortable with the ‘mad’ people as I don’t believe madness in most cases is really that problematic.
Now, what I wanted to deal with this month in the newsletter is dealing with difficult people. One could say that it was perfect timing as it was this time that reminds people of Jesus having to deal with difficult people before he was killed by them. One could say that but it’s not really related at all.
Instead, I wanna talk about what to do with people that treat you badly. Most people have been in a situation where they have been treated badly by a partner or friend. Often, most of us make the mistake of letting them do the same kind of things over and over again. After we reach a certain threshold the relationship can end quite badly and we can leave with a negative impression in our minds of them.
To me, I used to make lots of mistakes in this. I believed that when people said they were sorry it meant they were and yet I found they still engaged in the same acts over and over again. However, in working with people over the years I came to a few realisations about the way people work and especially the way ‘difficult’ people work. Basically it comes down to watching what people ‘do’ as opposed to what they say. Just because when you say something you do it doesn’t mean everyone is like that.
I’ve had people say all kinds of things to me but it never really bothers me. In my job I’ve had death threats from some troubled people and people taking out their anger of their circumstances on me. What’s important to remember though is that PEOPLE ARE NOT THEIR BEHAVIOURS. To me, they are everything they can become at their very best. People sometimes engage in behaviours that harm others and hurt others.
Often this comes from their frustration with themselves. I’ve worked with a number of sociopaths over the years in and out of prison and what I found was that even they have certain rules and consistent patterns they engage in. Mind games go on in relationships and friendships all the time but luckily, most of them are pretty harmless. Occasionally, they can become quite bad and that is the time to disengage.
Richard said to me once that what was the point in forgiveness. It’s not about forgiving people what they did or said, it’s about letting them be. If someone is doing bad things, he said, then distance yourself from them and do not connect with them UNTIL they start doing good things. Words are easy to say, but if a person is truly committed to changing then they will start being nicer to others and themselves.
You see, we all make mistakes. But instead of feeling guilty and ashamed about them, if we can begin to genuinely decide to change our behaviour so that we don’t do things the same way… we can make a real difference to our lives rather than existing in lonely regret.
I always believe in all people because I believe in their potential. Your actions are not who you are. Most people know what is right and wrong. They know what kind of things will help and what won’t. When they start engaging in positive acts that make a positive difference then that is the change worth getting.
You gotta get to the point where you don’t let anyone affect your feelings when thy try and make you feel bad. Some people get a secondary benefit out of manipulation and controlling the interaction. If you refuse to give over control to them and simply detach, you’ll find that things will be a lot smoother for you. And if they go on the wrong path, they go on the wrong path. If they go in the right direction they go in the right direction. It’s their choice. And as long as you refuse to hold hate in your heart or any negative feelings about them, you are free.
You cannot control other people nor can you always help other people. What you can do is believe in them yourself and hold hope for them always. I fundamentally believe that everyone has the resources to change their lives both in terms of their brains and also in terms of the wonderful books, tapes, cds and videos available in the world. So, I don’t believe that people can’t find out the solution to their problem. To me, it’s about using all this stuff to create the solution to their problem. That way, they might start enjoying life and not spending time feeling bad and bringing others with them.
If you know yourself and your good points and bad points and you are open to the feedback from the world then instead of feeling upset at what people say you can detach and learn what’s useful. Every night I go to sleep knowing that I have done the right thing for the right reason. Now, others might not always see it that way, but my interest is always considering them and what they need and not to fit into some game they play. So every night I sleep soundly.
You see, as Richard says People are either getting better or they are getting worse. When they act badly it is from their negative feelings or lack of knowledge. When they act well it is because they have learned the knowledge and applied it and commited to positive improvement. So everyone has a choice. I used to believe I could convince anyone but I learned that not everyone wants to be convinced when I want them to. Someone once said to me that closing a door to a person and not forgiving them is cruel… to me it’s the most humane thing you can possibly do.
Otherwise you continue the same pattern that they are used to. It’s not about closing the door. I never feel the door is closed. It’s left open hoping that some time they will stop doing what’s stupid, not useful and hurtful to themselves and others and start doing what’s useful and being nicer to themselves and others. Sometimes all you can do is teach them the information and help them to find it so they can apply it in their lives. You can't force them to use it. But hopefully they will and then, when their behaviour is different and they are doing good things, they can come back and the door will be open.
Forgiveness is only required if you carry negativity about people. If you let them go, send out positive thoughts that they will find what they need and take the required action and acknowledge it is their behaviour and let it change or not, you don’t need to forgive. Instead of letting feelings dominate our decisions, if you can take with you the magic question that transforms lives. WHAT IS THE MOST USEFUL THING TO DO/SAY/THINK NOW? If everyone could master this question, we’d all be living in paradise right now.
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